Where is My Mind?
by Forever-Trust-In-Who-You-Are
Summary: High school AU. Dean is the typical jock. Cheerleader girlfriend, dorky little brother and a secret that is eating away at him. Excerpt: "For a few moments I'll forget that I have fallen in love with my innocent, pure best friend who will want nothing to do with a dirty faggot like me." Destial fanfic, rated M for future lemons and mentions of self harm.
1. Prologue

**A/N:** Please review if you're liking the story! It will inspire me to write quicker and get more chapters up. This story was published on my tumblr, so, if you have read it already it is from there!

 **Prologue:**

I am a homosexual.

A.

Dirty.

Queer.

"Cock sucker"

"Faggot"

"Fruit"

"Homo"

I fucked Lisa and Becca, Stacey and Audrey, Mandy and Kelsey and that other chick. What was her name? Keira? Kate? Molly? Holly? I don't care; I'll forget their name as I'm slamming myself into them, one after the other, picturing a slender and curve free guy writhing under me.

For a few moments I'll forget that I'm a disgrace to my football team.

For a few moments I'll forget that my parent's will be disappointed in who I am if I ever tell them.

For a few moments I'll forget that my father will see me as less of a man.

For a few moments I'll forget that I have fallen in love with my innocent, pure best friend who will want nothing to do with a dirty faggot like me.

And for a few more moments I'll forget that my brother would think differently of me.

And if the sex or the alcohol or even the drugs aren't enough, I'll go home and sink that thin, cold razor into my scarred up skin. And for a little while I'll watch as the blood seeps from my wrist and onto the bathroom floor. I'll forget that I'm a freak and that no one stays.


	2. Hotel California

**A/N: If I get at least two reviews I will post the next chapter up on Monday!**

 **Tell me what you think. xox**

 **Chapter One: Hotel California**

"Dean, what has been going on with you lately?" My dad yelled. I could see the fire in his eyes, he was absolutely livid- and I couldn't blame him. "You're out almost every single night, fucking God knows who, and doing God's know's what. You reek of alcohol and marijuana almost all the time."

You could practically smell the disappointment rolling off of him.

"I'm sorry"

I really was sorry too. Mostly I was sorry that I wasn't as good of a son as Sammy was. Sorry that I didn't pay attention in school or get straight A's.

Mostly I was sorry that I wasn't good enough- I want to be. Good enough.

"Leave it, John, please. Just let him go to bed" My beautiful mother mumbled with eyes of sorrow as she stared at me.

"Mum..." I trailed off not know what to say to her, or how to take that look off her face. That look killed me.

"Please, Dean. Just go to bed. I'll see you in the morning."

And with that tone of finality I walked numbly upstairs, aiming to go to my room. But I stopped half way up when I was out of sight. I could hear the muffled conversation just barely.

"I'm getting sick of this Mary; you're always on his damn side. That boy is getting on my last nerve."

"Our son is drifting away from us John; I don't want to lose him anymore than what we have already. I don't know what to do anymore but he is our son and we will help him. I have a feeling that something we don't know about is happening in his life right now. He is acting out of hurt and anger. You know how kids are. He needs some time. He will come to us in time."

I didn't wait for my dad's reply. I sauntered up the stairs and I got ready for bed.

X

"Sammy, hurry up. I'm leaving in five minutes."

"Dean" My mother chastised lightly. "It's his first day at high school, you be nice to him. You hear me?"

"Yes ma"

"Good" She reached up on her tiptoes and kissed my cheek. "Now, you be good at school today. No back chatting to the teachers, if I get one more call from Mrs Robertson- or any other teacher about you being rude in class, I might just get vertigo and die"

"Mum vertigo's a dysfunction of the vestibular system of the inner ear. You can't die from it and you don't get it from stress" Sam, the Sasquatch, smart ass said in that matter of fact voice he has- he was also sporting his famous bitch face.

"And as for you Samuel Winchester, if I get one single call from a teacher this year saying that you corrected them in front of the class and _embarrassed_ them, then you're going to be grounded."

"Mum that's not fair. How can I trust my teachers if they don't know how to teach? My education is at risk if their dumb."

"Sam" _She had the look. Her don't you dare mess with me look._ The look I don't even mess with.

"Yes mother"

"Good boy. Now give me hugs. Do not be late for school." She gave us both a kiss on the cheek and handed us our pre packed lunches for school. "Dean do not forget your brother"

I rolled my eyes and kissed her on the cheek.

"Bye mum!" Sam yelled excitedly, already ahead of me to get to the car.

As I unlocked the car and we got in, I cranked the heat.

"Hey Dean, can I ask you something?"

"No, you cannot borrow money"

He huffed at me.

"That's not what I wanted to ask you."

"Oh. Shoot"

I started the car and reversed out of the driveway, ready to start another day of hell.

Sam seemed to be struggling to find the right words. I could tell this because of the "Ummm... Ahh.. I- mmm."

"Spit it out."

And then, out come the rapidly asked question that I was dreading to be asked.

"Are you gay?"

And then my foot hit the break and my body came hurting forward, only to be stopped by the seatbelt I hadn't even realised I put on.

"What?" I muttered turning toward him. And for a second, I swore I saw fear in his eyes.

"N-noth-ing"

"No, what did you say?" I needed him to ask that question again in case I missed it the first time.

"Are you gay?"

"Why would you even ask me that, Sam?"

"Please don't hit me"

It took me a second to understand what he was talking about, and then I realised. My hand was grasping his collar and I was inches away from him with a scowl on my face.

"I'm sorry" I let him go and I started the car up, breathing out the air I didn't realise I had kept in.

"Why would you ask me that?" I asked one more time.

"I was helping mum with the washing and she asked me to go into your room and get your dirty clothes and I saw some under your bed, and when I went to get it I saw a gay porn magazine under there."

"You were snooping in my room?"

"No! I promise."

I was scaring the poor kid.

Shit.

I moved the car to the side of the road and I switched it off, not caring that we had 10 minutes to get to school.

"I'm sorry if I scared you"

"You didn't" I think he was lying for my sake.

After a few moments of silence he spoke up.

"Are you, Dean?"

"Gay?" I whispered, taking a sharp intake of air. "Yes."

"When did you realise?"

"I think I always knew. But, I don't know, maybe two or three years ago. I did everything to try and deny it, you know?"

I didn't know why I was telling him all of this, but I couldn't stop myself. It flooded out of me, along with tears I had kept in for so long after all this time, I needed to release it.

"I tried having sex with all these girls, because, if I did then maybe I could turn myself straight. I thought that it could help. But it didn't. Nothing does. Everything is just a distraction that only lasts for a few hours. Like drinking or drugs, I can't get this out of my mind. That I'm this huge freak faggot. If everybody knew they'd fucking hate me! I hate me. I just hate it. I want to be normal-" he cut me off there.

"But Dean, you are normal."

"You don't hate me?"

"What? Because you just so happen to like guys? Dean, did you really think I'd hate you or think differently of you?"

"Well yeah"

"You're a jerk" He leant over toward me and wrapped his small arms around me. "I don't hate you because you're gay, I hate you because you're my brother and that's what brothers do."

I laughed through my tears and hugged him back.

"I love you Dean"

And I didn't say it back, because I didn't say it to anyone. I just hugged him tighter in hope he'd take it as a silent one.

"We better get 'goin" I said, breaking the embrace and starting up the car.

And almost three minutes later we walked inside the school together with half the weight of the world off of my shoulders.


	3. Smells Like Teen Spirit

**A/N: Thanks for the review! It really means a lot, if you're liking this chapter please let me know by leaving a review!**

 **Thanks xox**

 **Chapter 2:**

I sat down beside Cas, his eyes were fixated on the artwork he was currently working on. His hair was askew, sticking out in random directions as his hand went wildly across the page with black charcoal.

"What're you working on Cas?" I asked, taking a bite out of my turkey sandwich.

"An assignment for art, it's quite annoying. I can't get the shading right" His eyes lifted up to mine as he sighed, his hand coming to an abrupt stop.

"I don't know what you're talking about, it looks great" He rolled his eyes at me as he scrunched it and chucked it in my direction. I picked it up, straightening it out so I could glance down at it.

It was the old maple tree down by river we used to go to when we were kids. We could sit on the branches, talking about miniscule things that just seemed so important.

"I love it Cas" I folded it down gently and tucked it into the pocket of my rucksack. He smiled at me, his blue eyes glinting.

"Do you want to go there, after school?" He asked.

"Yeah" I said, nodding in confirmation. "I just have to take Sammy home first; mum would kill me if I forgot him"

"Dean" said a small voice from behind me. "Can I sit with you and Cas today, I haven't made any friends yet and I don't want to eat by myself."

He looked as if I was going to tell him off for coming anywhere near me.

I patted the seat beside me and he sighed in relief.

"How's your first day been, squirt?" Cas asked him.

"Alright I guess" He shrugged, looking down at his hands, picking at his nails. "My AP English teacher is nice."

"Hey Sammy, where's your lunch?" I murmured, noticing he didn't have it with him.

"Oh, I, um... I ate it already" He didn't look me in the eyes as he spoke, he stumbled for words, trying to wrack his brain for an excuse.

"Sammy, tell me the truth. Where is your lunch?"

"This boy in my class, I think he is a senior... he took it from me. He stomped on it and he chucked it in the bin and called me a dork. Dean, why was he so rude to me? What did I do wrong?" Tears were welling up in his big brown eyes; he looked like an overly kicked puppy. "Am I a dork?"

I saw red. Anger was pulsing through my veins as I stood up, my chair going across the floor of the cafeteria.

"Who was it Sam, show me" He shook his head slowly. "Sam, who the fuck was it?"

By now Castiel had an arm wrapped around his shoulders, glaring at me.

"It was him" He pointed in the direction of my team mate, captain of the football team Julian Greene.

"Right" I grunted, stalking over to him like he was my prey and I was the feline hunting him. "Hey Julian!" I growled out, the whole cafeteria becoming silent as they watched the drama unfold before them.

"Yo! Winchester, what's happening?" He held up his hand, initiating a high five. Instead I pushed him up against the wall, my hand grabbing the scuff of his shirt as I glared down at him.

"What the fuck did you do to my little brother?" His eyes were wide with fear. "You think it's funny picking on kids 5 years younger than you? He is 13 for fucks sake."

"I didn't know he was your brother, okay?"

"And that makes it any better?" I yelled, lifting my hand in the air, only to have a hand wrap around it in a vice like grip.

I whipped around, pushing the person back, raising my fist. I stopped as I saw ocean blue eyes staring back into mine.

"Dean, turn around and go back to the table now." He said in a stern voice.

"No! He needs to be taught a less-"

"I think he has learnt it, haven't you Julian?" Castiel looked at Julian in disgust as he nodded, his head whipping back and forth at an almost inhuman pace. "Good, now let's go Dean"

"Fine" I said through clenched teeth. I looked at Julian, fury dancing in my eyes as I stared into his. "But if you so much as look at my brother in the wrong way I will beat the living shit out you, do you understand me?" He nodded feebly.

I let Cas lead me away from him, his hand had slipped into mine as he brought me back to the table where Sam was sitting with widened eyes. The cafeteria was buzzing again, probably talking about me.

"Are you okay?" I asked calming down enough to talk to him. I knelt down to his level as I let go of Cas' hand. I ruffled Sam's hair gently as he nodded, giving me a small smile.

"He is just a jerk Sam" Cas said.

"So I'm not a dork?" He whispered.

"You're my dork, Sammy" He grinned at that.

I reached into the back of my jeans, pulling out five dollars from my wallet and handing it to Sam.

"Go get something to eat, okay?"

He nodded, wrapping his arms around me.

"Thanks Dean"

X

We sat atop the same maple tree that Castiel had drawn in his picture.

"Dean, why're you so volatile all the time?" He asked, turning to look at me. "I've been so worried about you lately. It's not just me, either"

"Have you been talking to my mum?" I sighed, looking out at the river, looking anywhere but in his eyes.

"We might have talked about it once or twice." I rolled my eyes. "The point is Dean; you've never been like this before. And I know you're better than this. And what are you doing hanging out with the likes of Clarke and his friends. I know you've been smoking marijuana Dean, I've smelt it on you. What's been going on?"

"Nothing, maybe this is the way I am now" Cas shook his head at me, disappointment in his eyes. "Well, maybe it is, maybe you better get used to it or leave"

"I don't believe that for a second." I scratched my arm as it itched, my sleeve sliding up a touch. "Dean, what is that?"

My eyes widened as I yanked my sleeve down.

"It's nothing Cas, really" He shook his head at me, reaching to grab my wrist, he slid the sleeve up, gasping as he saw the damage I had done to myself.

"Dean, what have you done to yourself?" He whispered, tears in his eyes as he stared into mine. "And don't say it's nothing because it's something. Why would you hurt yourself?"

"Please, stop Cas" I mumbled, refusing to look in his eyes. "Please"

"Look at me Dean"

I shook my head no as the tears began to fall from my eyes. "I can't"

Cas wrapped an arm around me, bringing my body closer to his as he rubbed my back.

He lifted my arm to his lips, kissing them gently. He wiped the tears from my eyes with the pad of his thumb.

"Whatever it is in your life that makes you think you have to harm yourself... it stops now. Don't ever do this to yourself again, promise me Dean" I looked into his broken eyes and I nodded, not quite sure if I could keep the promise.

He brought me into his arms, hugging me tightly to his chest as his hot tears hit me.

"I love you Dean Winchester" He whispered.

"I know" I whispered back, enjoying the feeling of his strong, soft arms around me. "I know"


End file.
